04 Apr 05 Co-Dependant And Loving It

A friend of mine (Danny Mann) sent me this article he wrote. Hopefully it will help you start your week.

Fifteen or twenty years ago, popular psychology gave birth to a buzz-word - co-dependant. This new explanation for unhappiness caught on and is still with us today. There have been hundreds of pamphlets, articles and self-help books written about it. Thousands of lectures have been delivered and millions of dollars have been spent on therapy to help us cope with it - but it’s still with us.

About fifteen years ago, I was shocked to find out that I, too, had been afflicted with this terrible disease. Co-dependency was the reason for my unhappiness. I had placed too much importance on what other people thought of me. I had depended too heavily on two or three significant relationships for my self-worth. I had relied too much on influences that were outside of me rather than finding my joy, peace, motivation, and self-esteem inside of me.

It was true. When my friends struggled, so did I. When the people I cared about got sick, lost jobs, had relationship problems or wrestled with faltering faith, I hurt too.

What was I to do? How was I to go about untangling myself from other people and their influences so I could be happy?

The cure for my kind of co-dependency was simple. I needed to distance myself from other people. Whether it was their joy or their pain, I had to stop getting so close, so involved. So that’s what I did. I backed off, became less available and spent more time alone.

Guess what happened? I went from occasional unhappiness to chronic depression. The cure was worse than the disease.

Now before the phones start ringing or the cards and letters start coming in, let me acknowledge the fact that co-dependency is a real problem. There are many people whose lives are in turmoil because they are in co-dependant relationships.

Some are married to spouses who drink too much. This reeks havoc in the family but they ignore it, pretend the problem doesn’t exist, because to face it seems more difficult than ignoring it.

There are people who stay in abusive relationships because they fear being alone more than they fear the abuse. These kinds of co-dependency are destructive. If you find yourself in one of these relationships get help and get it soon.

Having said that, let me ask a question. Is it possible that we have let this fear of co-dependency move us to some very unhealthy, even ungodly extremes?

We go to work, do our jobs and go back home. We have many shallow relationships but almost no deep ones. When we ask someone how they are doing, we really don’t want to know. And if they should happen to tell us, we sure don’t want to get involved. They might come to depend on us - and wouldn’t that be terrible?

I have a confession to make - I’m co-dependant - and loving every minute of it! I have two or three friends who are so important to me that I have some kind of contact with them everyday. If I don’t, my day just isn’t as good. I’m co- dependant.

When I preach, teach, lead worship or counsel with someone who is struggling, I am thrilled when someone is blessed - and upset when someone is not. I’m co-dependant.

And I’ll have to be honest with you - this co-dependency of mine has its drawbacks. It costs me some sleepless nights. It interferes with my free time. Sometimes it even costs me money. But the joys far outweigh the pain.

Maybe Paul knew what he was talking about when he wrote, “Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.” (Romans 12:15)

Just one last thought - I wonder, if God were to go into therapy, would he be diagnosed with a big case of co-dependency? His joy and his pain seem to be all wrapped up in people. He has gone out of his way, made adjustment after adjustment, to have a relationship with us. It even cost him his son. It sure sounds co-dependant to me.

Let me know what you think. Have a manageable monday!